Building A Better Community

 This Christmas I invited a large group of people to go  carolling with me for the first time since I was a young adult. I used to go often as a child from door to door in my own neighbourhood. I remember how welcoming my neighbours were, and how they would have Christmas treats waiting at the door for us carollers. It was a wonderful time to connect with neighbours and bring some Christmas cheer through music. I loved it. It gave me such a strong sense of community identity.

 This year was so different! Many people in my own neighbourhood wouldn't come out of their homes and even seemed frightened to open their doors to us. Some would look out the window at us waiting to sing for them, shut out the lights and walk away! Some happily opened their doors and even thanked us for the lovely music but the majority did not. 

 To be honest, at first I was a bit discouraged. I wondered why people would be so cold and reject an obvious gift. After some contemplation though; I realised there might be more to it than meets the eye.


 I believe the underlying issue is a general lack of trust. My age group is faced with the challenges of needing to raise our children to be stranger aware, avoid cyber-bullying, be self-reliant and avoid being taken advantage of, amongst a myriad of other challenges. The task can be quite daunting! These issues are all very important to address. Our children need to be safe and proactive, yet, we can actually swing to the opposite extreme and become distrusting and even fearful. I believe this can lead to a general isolation and alienation from our communities. 

I sense this issue of mistrust has to be addressed on a personal level before it can be solved on a community level. The question I had to ask myself was, "Do I really trust the people around me?" and if I don't,"why not?". I was surprised to discover that deep down inside, I still don't let people in past a certain point. In a sense, it is a learned behaviour. It is a perceived way of staying safe. I also think there is a part of me that perceives that perhaps people don't want to come any closer to me.

The bottom line is; we need each other. The people you are surrounded by, are there for a reason. Even the ones that we don't relate to as easily, or rub us the wrong way. Those are the ones in some ways, that teach us the most about what is really going on inside of us. When we don't let these people around us in, I think we are tragically missing out on the incredible opportunity of growing as a people together. Practising better community means letting people in. Seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it I believe, fosters trust.

Make a point this next week or so, to choose to let someone in to your life a little more than you ever have. Try to foster community by trusting just a little more than you ever have. I believe you will be surprised at the many benefits it will produce!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

When fear chokes out our song

In a previous post I talked about fear and the need to overcome it by facing it. Fear can rob us of our voice; of our song. I believe everyone on this earth has a song. I think some have been robbed of their real song because of fear. I have battled with fear and intimidation for most of my life. It is only recently that I could say with confidence that I am no longer a fearful person who is controlled by that adversary.

 A few years ago, I realised I had had the same recurring dream for years: I had wads and wads of gum in my mouth, and no matter how much of it I pulled out, I couldn't clear my mouth of it. I was choking on it, and there was no way of getting it all out. After doing some extensive soul searching and praying, I discovered the dream originated in early elementary school. I had a harsh teacher who was cruel, and I was afraid of her. In that same year, I developed sleeping issues and this recurring dream. Into my adult years this dream would follow me. Whenever I was feeling intimidated about something, I would have the dream. I finally realised the dream represented my feelings of helplessness, and not having a VOICE. Back when I was a child, I had made the decision in my head  that I did not have a voice to defend myself. To protect myself, I developed a truth that said: "Don't show too much of your heart or voice; it could be taken away." The problem with that truth was, IT WAS A LIE! I DID have a voice. I could have used it, but fear was the louder voice and I allowed it to become my captor. I was enslaved.

  Years later, I would approach my pastor and seek his advice. As a singer, whenever I would start to really sing out with boldness and let my heart show, a sudden panic would set in. I would hit a wall, and I would  just back down. It was like I was choked. My very wise pastor responded that he too, had battled with fear and that I would overcome it by refusing to BACK DOWN. I hadn't even told him outright that I was afraid, but he knew the signs of someone being bullied by fear.

 My experience with my teacher was real. This teacher had hurt me. Because of that, I had developed my own truths about how to protect myself from then on. The only trouble was, the guard that protected my heart----- was fear. Fear is a LIAR. Fear will keep you in a prison for the rest of your life and rob you of your voice. I had to face fear, and tell it I would no longer cower in its presence. I had to address the lie that said I didn't have a voice. I had to embrace a new truth which was: I have a voice. I have a song. It needs to be heard. It must be sung. 

Facing fear is, well, scary! Just remember though, when an army is about to take over enemy ground on the battlefield, the enemy will rise up and fight back because they do not want to give up any ground. In this case, when you chose to overcome fear, it WILL rear its ugly head and try to force you to surrender. Don't! On just the other side is FREEDOM.





You have a song to sing, and we need to hear it. It heals hearts; and gives others latitude in their own lives. Never, ever back down and go after your freedom!

Marriage Matters

Do you remember that beautiful poem about relationships?

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. 

Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Albert Camus

There are times in my marriage that this very romantic poem was pretty much the opposite of where we were at. It probably SHOULD have been written like this:


Don't walk behind me, cause I'm scared you'll give me a wedgie.
Don't walk in front of me; I'll just kick you in the butt.
Just walk beside me; so I can punch you in the eye.
Jenn Banas


 All joking aside, we really have had days where our marriage looked more like a battleground than a setting for a romantic poem. If you have been married for more than 24 hours, you can probably relate. Marriage is HARD WORK!!

Here are some principles that we have learnt and that we steadfastly stick to that help us stay faithful to our promise to one another. I hope they help you too:

1. Unspoken expectations equal disappointment:
We are not a mind reading species. So many times I've had an expectation in my head about our relationship that I assumed would  just be so obvious to my hubby. NOT!! Girl brains and boy brains are TOTALLY DIFFERENT! They come from different planets. They are made of different stuff. Never assume; always clearly articulate what you expect. It may seem like a romance killer to always say what you want and need but it truly paves the way for open, honest communication. 

2. Forgive, forgive, forgive:
Once unforgiveness seeps in, hatred quickly follows. It is a MARRIAGE KILLER. How many times should you forgive? As many times as you would wish to be forgiven. Remember: forgiveness is sexy.

3. Don't give up:
Tenaciously, stubbornly, faithfully stick to that promise you made to your partner the day you said , "I do". Promises still matter. We need to stick to our promises because those are the foundations of our marriages. Better marriages make better families; better families make better communities.

4. Say," I love you":
Especially when you don't feel like it. Because love isn't about feelings; it's about choosing. Say it with your words. Say it with your actions. Choose it in your heart. 

Your marriage can be your greatest accomplishment; the finest piece of artwork that fill your homes. 

It can be the most beautiful symphony that is sung into your children's hearts 

and therefore will shape generations to come.

 May you have peace in your homes, and love in your hearts.

Facing Fear

The image above is one my husband took when living out his dream of diving with the Great White Sharks off the coast of South Africa. Even though he was totally thrilled by the whole experience, one thing he was surprised by was his fear. Looking into the eyes of those obvious predators gave him the chills. He said it was the first time in his life he knew he could be easily destroyed in an instant. He chose to dive in anyway.  It's one of the things I admire most about him. He has never backed down from fear, and will never let it rule him.
 My friend gave me a great acronym for fear:

False
Evidence                                                                                   
Appearing
Real

Now, in the case of the Great White Shark firing his evil glare at my hubby, the danger was pretty real. However, there were many safety mechanisms put in place to keep him from harm, and he chose to trust those.
So many times I've listened to the voice of fear and simply backed down--- even cowered in the presence of that false evidence. It's so demoralizing.

 Writing this blog is part of my decision to intentionally live a life that looks fear in the eyes and says, " I will not be a slave to you, nor will I let you be the loudest and most convincing voice in my life".

  Cheers,
Jenn