The loneliness of anxiety and the healing presence of acceptance

 This time last year I was battling both SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder)http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/seasonal-affective-disorder and anxietyhttp://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-attack-symptoms.shtml. It was a very, very intense season for me in many areas of my life and I felt overwhelmed; like I was losing grip of my sense of peace. Anxiety is tough, because, it's basically the anticipation of an outcome that has not materialized but feels so real and present. The body's response to this can be pretty intense; laboured breathing or hyperventilation, racing thoughts, digestive issues, heart racing, high blood pressure, fear, dread, crying, dizziness, tight muscles, headache; the list goes on and on. The physical and emotional symptoms suck, but also, the sense of powerlessness is so demoralizing.

Having anxiety can be so lonely. It sometimes made me feel isolated from those that seemed to be coping so much better with life and their challenges than me. When my thoughts were racing, it was hard to articulate how jumbled and irrational they were without feeling foolish or worrying that I was sounding crazy. I also didn't want people to feel like I was looking to them to fix me. I didn't need a litany of go-to's or solutions. I really just needed acceptance and people's kind and unconditional presence.

Just telling people I wasn't doing well, was actually quite cathartic. Saying it out loud kind of loosened its grip and made it seem a bit smaller than it was. People's genuine and compassionate responses to my honest admission was very comforting. Sometimes people would ask, "can I help you in any way?". This felt ok too, because they weren't dictating to me how they thought I should go about exploring my healing; they just wanted to care for me well. The underlying message that I caught from those that responded compassionately to my anxiety was this: "no matter how good or bad you are, we love you and accept you." Being accepted for who I was, without the expectation of needing to perform my way out of it, was totally liberating.

I also had to accept myself unconditionally. For me, it first meant I had to really listen carefully to the messages I was speaking to myself on a regular basis that were demanding, demoralizing and plain judgmental and unfair......there were lots...... I was surprised how many. No wonder I was so anxious. I was bullying myself!  Also, accepting that I had anxiety and that I didn't have control over all the outcomes in my life was very calming and healing. When I was compassionate and kind to myself in the midst of the anxiety, I found it decreased.




I know for lots of people, Christmas time is a season of noise, stress, anxiety and even pain. I do  observe heightened anxiety this time of year. I feel for those of you that are wrestling with it. I pray you will find a way to breath, to accept who you are in this moment and lean into the love and care of others. Remember that you are not alone and that you are loved.   YOU ARE LOVED


                      God bless you all and may you have a peaceful and Merry Christmas!

                                               

Wounding To Heal: how a trip to the physiotherapist gave me a love for pain

 “Just like there's always time for pain, there's always time for healing.” 
― Jennifer Brown, Hate List

 I just got back from a second round of IMS with my physiotherapist. IMS is a therapy involving placing needles into the muscle bed and stimulating the muscles, by manipulating the needles so the muscles "fan" out. These normally tight balls of muscle then open up and lengthen like they should.

 It. Really. Hurts.

I was using my "labour breathing" to work through some of the pain of the muscles contracting.  I will sheepishly admit that today, I had a few spots of "involuntary condensation" develop in the corners of my eyes during the procedure.

It was something that my physiotherapist said last visit that has really got me thinking. He said, "Sorry Jenn, for the pain, I really am, but I need to wound you, in order to really heal you". Huh...... Kind of seems backwards doesn't it? But, here's the thing, my muscles a few days later felt more open, and less pained then they have in years. I have been so locked up in my muscles, that it was pulling my spine out of alignment, and I can say that really hurts, too! But here, after this painful treatment, I was experiencing less chronic pain! Booyah!!      

I can't help thinking that this is so much like other areas of our lives. We can be locked up as humans in other ways, too. Often because of wounds from the past, emotionally we "ball up" and turtle in, or build up walls to protect ourselves from being wounded again. The problem with doing this is, it causes us to be stunted emotionally in our growth. It keeps those we love out, and keeps us locked in a prison of pain that never gets healed. Chronic pain sucks. It's draining. It's demoralizing. It's discouraging. It keeps us from really living life and encountering the fullness of others around us. It also keeps people from really knowing us, as well.

The pain of having somebody finally access my locked up muscles, and force the release of the toxins in them really hurt, but it was also a sign to me that I was getting better; healthier; stronger; freer. It was the first time that I felt like the pain was welcome and was serving a worthy purpose. The wounding was healing me. I admit, I kind of wanted to just skip the IMS today. I just didn't want to deal with the pain. But, the dumber thing is, I've been in pain all week already because of my spine issue. WHY LIVE WITH THAT??!!! Sometimes I think we fool ourselves into believing we are coping fine with our little locked up areas in our lives; we anaesthetize, we ignore, we justify. But we really are not actually living, are we?
                                                                                                                            

In order to be free from wounds of the past, we have to let the root of our wounds be touched into. For myself, I think of my relationship to God and how many times as a Father, He has touched parts of my heart that were hurting, and almost re-opened the wound. It really hurt at the time; it was like reliving the pain again, but He did it because He was healing it for good. The pain was the indicator of the healing process taking place. I also know that Jesus totally understands. He was crushed, wounded, and beaten, so we could have our healing:

But he was pierced for our transgressions. He was crushed for our iniquities. The punishment that brought our peace was on him; and by his wounds we are healed
Isaiah 53:5

There is obviously a difference between pain without a purpose; the kind of pain that leaves deep, gaping, unhealed wounds, and the kind of pain that ultimately is meant to heal. This pain has a motive of love behind it. I want that. I want to be brave enough to go there in my life, even if it means pain for a moment, but joy that lasts for a lifetime.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
                                         Psalm 30:5

Why having a good memory is the best gift of all

"God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December"
                                             J.M.Barrie

This post is inspired by a friend of mine, with whom I had an amazing conversation with recently.  We were discussing what it means to hold on to hope and inspiration, when everything in front of you is saying otherwise. I'm sure there are so many that can relate to that season; where your challenging circumstances seem to speak way louder than the hopeful conviction that you started out with.

 I've definitely been there a number of times in my own life. Those dry seasons; those sad seasons; those desperate seasons; what are they there for, and how do we find our joy and hope again in the midst of them? This is where having a good memory is invaluable.

Imagine this for a moment:
 You are climbing a very steep, treacherous mountain. Your hands are burning, your knuckles are bleeding. Your body aches from the strain of exertion. The sun is beating down on you full force and the height that you have climbed to is making you dizzy. You feel disoriented and way more like a worm than a mountain slayer. You can't go back down because you are way too far up now to quit, but you are really not sure if you can make it to the top, and furthermore, you can't even see the top! All you want to do is lay your head against those rough rocks and cry..... give up....... get airlifted out, maybe? Now, imagine that you turn your head away from the mountain you are climbing. You look across the scene that is laid out before you. You see mountain after mountain after mountain that you have already come over! Each one is progressively bigger and more challenging than the last one. You conquered those! You mastered those! You made it to the top! How did you forget that?

Sometimes that's what life is like. We are given some really overwhelming challenges that seem unconquerable, and it is so easy to forget how much we have overcome so far, and how blessed we really are. So many times in my life when I have faced difficult circumstances, it was the remembrance of the obstacles I've overcome that gave me the courage and stamina to keep going.

 I believe we are given challenges in life to grow us, to transform us, and to make us the people God intended for us to be. I think that sometimes our challenges become progressively harder, because we are becoming stronger and need more weight added to build our "muscles" up. To be an overcomer we need thick skin and broad shoulders, and that only comes from climbing those mountains. Think of it as a promotion!

What mountains have you overcome? Have you accessed the gift of memory lately to help remind you of all you have faced and overcome? Take some time today and do that. Remember where you've come from, and let it inspire you to keep climbing the mountain you are on now. I guarantee you will find hope and encouragement in the remembering.

Gloomy January

Do you ever notice how shiny, glittery, and exceptional December can be? I had to shop for groceries on the day before Christmas Eve, and EVERYONE I looked at in that store was SMILING. It was the oddest, loveliest, most bizarre thing. I had prepared myself to go into the mouth of the lion, surrounded by Christmas Eve madness, with people at a frenetic, agitated peak; and instead I got.... pleasant!....... I loved it. People were happy, and positive about the upcoming Christmas celebrations, and the atmosphere felt, well, nice!

 Fast Forward to now. Things aren't quite as shiny. I notice that people are keeping their heads down a lot and just kind of coping. I call that the "post Christmas let-down effect". I have to admit, I was a little reluctant to get back into the swing of things myself; the rest, relaxation, and time with family and friends was really rich. It never fails that January kind of feels a little gloomy. Here in this region, it's pretty cold and harsh as far as weather, and that can get pretty tiring after awhile.

I believe however, that there is a way to find joy and delight in the gloom, though. For years, January and February were my worst months as far as fighting depression was concerned. The lack of sunlight really affected me.

Hopefully some of these tools that helped me, can also give you some energy towards a personal upswing during a tough season:

Get outside. Lots:
No matter what it takes, get outside for a half hour to an hour every day. The walls of  our houses close in real tight around this time of year. It's just too easy to be sedentary, and stay indoors day after day when the wind chill is like, -400. It's actually quite refreshing if you bundle up and get moving. Go sledding, strap on a pair of snowshoes, skate, walk, make Snow Angels, build a snowman. Anything to haul your butt out the door. You need the fresh air. Oh my word, I sound like my mother. Remember when our moms used to kick us outside every single day to play no matter what the weather?? We were allowed to come in to eat, or when our cheeks were permanently damaged from frostbite, and ONLY then??? Ya, well I'm doing that to you now. Bam. 

Talk to Someone:
A lot of people fight the winter blues this time of year. It's really tempting to go into hibernation mode in this season, but that actually has a counter-productive effect. Isolating yourself for too long produces loneliness. Loneliness breeds discouragement. You can convince yourself of a lot of crazy stuff when you have no one to bounce it off of. You may end up really encouraging someone too; which is always a blessing.

Surround Yourself With Positive People:
When you are weak, it's easy to get drawn into the drama and negativity that is around. If you feel like you are in too vulnerable a place to deflect that kind of energy, make sure to get around those who regularly choose to speak life, live positively, and extend grace, and peace. 
You are who you hang out with(another Momism).

Reach Out to Others:
I have to say, this one is the most powerful force in my life. The basic premise is this; you give out of your need, and from that, the joy starts to flow again. I am living proof of that. The one way that you can pull yourself out of a real introspective rut, is to fix your eyes on someone else besides yourself and your circumstances. Don't wait till you have the energy and motivation; it comes as you give. Encouraging others in their own struggles, will bring you great encouragement.

Get Physical:
Olivia Newton-John had it right; exercise helps!!! Oh great.... now I have "Let's Get Physical" stuck in my head......



Let God Give You Peace:
God understands what you are going through, and wants to help. You may not be sure how to approach Him; that doesn't really matter. I'm just myself when I talk to Him. I'm honest, and real, vulnerable and raw. I don't try to be flowery, articulate, or intellectual. And you know what? He listens, answers, and comforts.

Find The Beauty In The Broken:
Sometimes when you are gloomy, it can feel like something is broken. Take some time to see the beauty that is around you in this difficult season. I love how the snow sparkles after it falls; I take pictures of the crystal-like frost on the tree branches; the blue sky is so vivid when the ground is so white. Make sure to include gratitude for the beauty you are seeing; it will transform your heart. Thankfulness can literally turn around a negative perspective. What are you thankful for?  




Finally, if you think that you may be really depressed; make an appointment with your doctor, or a counselor. Sometimes this can be caused by a chemical imbalance that can be corrected through medication. No shame; if you had diabetes, would you take insulin to stay healthy? Then, why the stigma and shame around medication for depression?
A counselor can help you work through underlying issues that might be causing a deeper depression. Wounds from the past, unprocessed trauma, and unforgiveness can cause depression, and a good counselor can help you work through some of these things.



Soon, it will be spring. The flowers will be blooming, the sun will shine again. Until then, don't give up hope, and don't give in to the gloom!
Peace to all.

To all the Mamas

Mama was my greatest teacher, a teacher of compassion, love and fearlessness. If love is sweet as a flower, then my mother is that sweet flower of love.
Stevie Wonder

Hi Mommas.
 I've been thinking about all you mommas out there with young ones a lot lately. Wee little balls of juicy, kissable flesh, and belly laughs that make you want to weep, and sweet, soft sounds as they lay in your arms and look into your eyes with nothing but trust..........
ANNNNND the ability to remain awake into the night hours that make you so weary and bleary-eyed that you think your head could actually explode from fatigue, or the teething symptoms that transform your loveable cherub into a mini gargoyle, or the last roll of toilet paper shoved expertly into the toilet bowl as they happily lick their fingers with the left-over toilet water.

  Mmmmhmmmm; it's a really... Hard.... Job. Let's add the perpetual guilt that we seem to battle with as mothers: Am I raising them right? Will they remember how much I loved them; and not how often I yelled at them? Am I doing OK? Why haven't I lost all my baby weight yet? Am I the only one who needs a break sometimes from these kids?
 My WORD!!! There is a LOT of pressure to preform people!    

I just want you to know that you are doing awesome. I don't care if you have stretch marks, 20 more pounds to go to feel more human, haven't brushed your teeth yet today, or cleaned your toilets in a few weeks. I think you are AH -MAY- ZING. I love watching you hold your babies and gaze at them with love, or when you post a bazillion pictures of them on Facebook because they are SO CUTE(Hello, my name is Jenn, and yes, I am a baby vulture). It makes me so proud to see you trying the best you can with what you've got, and even then some. You are so beautiful right now. You inspire me, and make me proud to be a woman.

It's OK to cry sometimes and admit your weaknesses. I get that; with my first, I had post-partum depression so bad and cried so much and so often, I was dehydrated for a year.
It's also OK to make mistakes; I should know; I actually tossed my new, beautiful, soft, pink daughter, down a whole flight of stairs by accident at a week old. Oh, yes, I did. Ohhh yes.... I did.
You can give yourself grace in this season of life. I realized this after discovering ALL my gorgeous, luscious house-plants were crispy dead after three months into motherhood because I literally could not, COULD...NOT handle nurturing more than one living thing at a time, and I was pretty sure I wanted to keep my newborn alive and me sort of sane.



The greatest revelation God gave me during the early years of mothering was during a, why-do-I-even-go-to-church-if-I'm-just-going-to-chase-my-kid-around-the-whole-time, session. I was feeling that panicky and frustrated feeling like, I was OUTSIDE of the congregation, OUTSIDE of whatever supernatural amazingness was happening, and that I was going to miss it, and fail as a Christian. Or even worse, miss what God had for me. It was then, that I felt the Lord lovingly say that His arms could reach a lot farther than any congregation and any supernatural happening. That He could find me in my home, while I was rocking my baby to sleep, and impart the very same anointing and presence on me that he was to all the others folks seated peacefully in the sanctuary. That He, was gentle with those with young and lovingly visits us where we are at. You may be outside your norm; outside of your comfort zone, and may even be grieving the loss of your old life, but you are NEVER, EVER outside the embrace of God's arms.



Isaiah 40:11
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

I'm really REALLY proud of you and I'm cheering you on. Go Mommas Go!!!!

Love,

Jenn

Anniversary

So, my smoking hot husband and I will be married for 16 years on August 23rd. Now, I know that when I brag about that to the long-timers; the ones who have been at it for like, 30, 40, 50 years, they kind of smirk at me with that knowing look........ like I have no idea what I'm even talking about and that 16 years is like a blink of the eye compared to the amount of time they've spent lolling around in wedded bliss. But for Pete's sake; nowadays 16 years is like, a monumental amount of time considering the divorce rate. I've also never spent this amount of time with the same person voluntarily, day after day, week after week, month after month. Seriously. 

 We had NO IDEA what we were getting into when we first got engaged. I was 20, he was 23. He had just been hired as youth pastor, and I was, well, just out of diapers. He didn't know that I turned into a sort of Gollum if he tried to eat my potato chips(like I needed them), or that I hogged the blankets with a superhuman strength that would frighten your pants off, or that I really didn't know how to cook; more just burn things nicely. I didn't know he loved to play practical jokes(NOT funny buddy!), LOVED action movies with a passion(barf), and would watch so much hockey that his retinas should have shrivelled up by now. 

 

I also didn't know how lovely it would feel to be in a room full of strangers, and without looking, know that he was there somewhere in that room and that he had my back. Or how strong his shoulders would feel as I faced loss, depression, loneliness, and contractions that would make you want to poke your eyeballs out. I never knew that there is such thing as long, comfortable silences with someone, or that you can actually look someone in the eyes and know what they are thinking just with a glance. I didn't know that saying yes, when we want to say no, would grow us from the inside out, and make us more beautiful people. I also didn't realize that when it feels like there doesn't seem to be a hopeful tomorrow, all I have to do is turn away from the hopelessness, look in the eyes of Jesus, and see a million more tomorrows. True story.

 

I love you husband. You are my favourite; even when you won't let me hold the remote.

Lessons of life from an 89 year old.

I am reposting this blog in honor of my dear Grandfather, who passed away on Easter morning April 20, 2014. He lived a long, good, humble life full of love, humility, laughter, and surrounded by the people he loved. Everywhere he went, people enjoyed his wit, friendliness, and kindness. For such a simple life; he still managed to profoundly influence everyone around him. Farewell Grandpa; I'll be seeing you in all the old, familiar places..........

My grandfather turned 89 this month. It's hard for me to believe he is one year away from being 90 years old. He is a tall, handsome man with a twinkle in his eye.  I've always felt proud that this man was my Grandpa. Lately, he has had some physical challenges that have left him more vulnerable than before. I find myself wanting to protect, and cover him. I think about him every day and pray for him even more. As the years go by, I feel like my sense of connection to him grows stronger.

He was a carpenter. He built my mother's first home that I had my first birthday in, and built the home he still lives in. When I had my first home built, he came and inspected it and was most interested and delighted in the furnace and hot water tank. Those same hands that built good, sturdy homes, also played the most beautiful music. He is a guitar player and I loved hearing him play. When my Grandmother was alive, she would sing along to his playing and I would soak it all up, my heart just getting bigger and bigger from the sweetness of it all. He has always kept things simple; having lived through the depression gave him a unique perspective on what is really important. He is extremely generous. Every time my kids and I visit him, he is reaching in his pocket to give my kids a "little something". If I protest, his rebuttal is, "What am I going to spend it on?"

I love talking with him about his past. His childhood was vastly different than mine. We grew up in completely different worlds; yet, he relates so well to such a broad range of people. He has shared stories with me of his life during the depression; the war; riding the streetcars in Edmonton, and having his milk delivered to his house every morning in glass bottles.

The most compelling hope I have for him in these twilight years of his life, is that those that do not know him like I do, would treat him with the same love and value that I feel for him. He is so precious to so many; I want him treated accordingly. I would like for him to feel as if, even though he is older and more frail, his value does not change in anyone's eyes. He may not have lead nations, written a world changing novel, or produced a blockbuster movie, but he did teach me compassion, generosity, acceptance of others, and faithfulness in marriage. These values are priceless, and will be passed down for generations. To me, that is a far greater legacy to leave behind and he should be honoured for it.

Now, when I am around the elderly, vulnerable and destitute, I think about my Grandpa and how I love him and wish for him to be treated. My touch is softer, and my attention towards their heart's cry is increased. Whether it's with the homeless of Barquisimeto, Venezuela, or the troubled youth in my own city, I see them through a different set of eyes now.

My wish would be that we would all treat one another like this. That we would remember that the people we are encountering on our everyday journey of life are someone's mother; brother; sister; grandfather. That they are loved dearly and deeply by someone. That they have a destiny, despite what their outward appearance may reflect.



Thank you so much for teaching me this, Grandpa. I love you.

The history of our grandparents is remembered not with rose petals but in the laughter and tears of their children and their children's children.  It is into us that the lives of grandparents have gone.  It is in us that their history becomes a future.  ~Charles and Ann Morse