The loneliness of anxiety and the healing presence of acceptance

 This time last year I was battling both SAD(Seasonal Affective Disorder)http://www.heretohelp.bc.ca/factsheet/seasonal-affective-disorder and anxietyhttp://www.anxietycentre.com/anxiety-attack-symptoms.shtml. It was a very, very intense season for me in many areas of my life and I felt overwhelmed; like I was losing grip of my sense of peace. Anxiety is tough, because, it's basically the anticipation of an outcome that has not materialized but feels so real and present. The body's response to this can be pretty intense; laboured breathing or hyperventilation, racing thoughts, digestive issues, heart racing, high blood pressure, fear, dread, crying, dizziness, tight muscles, headache; the list goes on and on. The physical and emotional symptoms suck, but also, the sense of powerlessness is so demoralizing.

Having anxiety can be so lonely. It sometimes made me feel isolated from those that seemed to be coping so much better with life and their challenges than me. When my thoughts were racing, it was hard to articulate how jumbled and irrational they were without feeling foolish or worrying that I was sounding crazy. I also didn't want people to feel like I was looking to them to fix me. I didn't need a litany of go-to's or solutions. I really just needed acceptance and people's kind and unconditional presence.

Just telling people I wasn't doing well, was actually quite cathartic. Saying it out loud kind of loosened its grip and made it seem a bit smaller than it was. People's genuine and compassionate responses to my honest admission was very comforting. Sometimes people would ask, "can I help you in any way?". This felt ok too, because they weren't dictating to me how they thought I should go about exploring my healing; they just wanted to care for me well. The underlying message that I caught from those that responded compassionately to my anxiety was this: "no matter how good or bad you are, we love you and accept you." Being accepted for who I was, without the expectation of needing to perform my way out of it, was totally liberating.

I also had to accept myself unconditionally. For me, it first meant I had to really listen carefully to the messages I was speaking to myself on a regular basis that were demanding, demoralizing and plain judgmental and unfair......there were lots...... I was surprised how many. No wonder I was so anxious. I was bullying myself!  Also, accepting that I had anxiety and that I didn't have control over all the outcomes in my life was very calming and healing. When I was compassionate and kind to myself in the midst of the anxiety, I found it decreased.




I know for lots of people, Christmas time is a season of noise, stress, anxiety and even pain. I do  observe heightened anxiety this time of year. I feel for those of you that are wrestling with it. I pray you will find a way to breath, to accept who you are in this moment and lean into the love and care of others. Remember that you are not alone and that you are loved.   YOU ARE LOVED


                      God bless you all and may you have a peaceful and Merry Christmas!

                                               

Wounding To Heal: how a trip to the physiotherapist gave me a love for pain

 “Just like there's always time for pain, there's always time for healing.” 
― Jennifer Brown, Hate List

 I just got back from a second round of IMS with my physiotherapist. IMS is a therapy involving placing needles into the muscle bed and stimulating the muscles, by manipulating the needles so the muscles "fan" out. These normally tight balls of muscle then open up and lengthen like they should.

 It. Really. Hurts.

I was using my "labour breathing" to work through some of the pain of the muscles contracting.  I will sheepishly admit that today, I had a few spots of "involuntary condensation" develop in the corners of my eyes during the procedure.

It was something that my physiotherapist said last visit that has really got me thinking. He said, "Sorry Jenn, for the pain, I really am, but I need to wound you, in order to really heal you". Huh...... Kind of seems backwards doesn't it? But, here's the thing, my muscles a few days later felt more open, and less pained then they have in years. I have been so locked up in my muscles, that it was pulling my spine out of alignment, and I can say that really hurts, too! But here, after this painful treatment, I was experiencing less chronic pain! Booyah!!      

I can't help thinking that this is so much like other areas of our lives. We can be locked up as humans in other ways, too. Often because of wounds from the past, emotionally we "ball up" and turtle in, or build up walls to protect ourselves from being wounded again. The problem with doing this is, it causes us to be stunted emotionally in our growth. It keeps those we love out, and keeps us locked in a prison of pain that never gets healed. Chronic pain sucks. It's draining. It's demoralizing. It's discouraging. It keeps us from really living life and encountering the fullness of others around us. It also keeps people from really knowing us, as well.

The pain of having somebody finally access my locked up muscles, and force the release of the toxins in them really hurt, but it was also a sign to me that I was getting better; healthier; stronger; freer. It was the first time that I felt like the pain was welcome and was serving a worthy purpose. The wounding was healing me. I admit, I kind of wanted to just skip the IMS today. I just didn't want to deal with the pain. But, the dumber thing is, I've been in pain all week already because of my spine issue. WHY LIVE WITH THAT??!!! Sometimes I think we fool ourselves into believing we are coping fine with our little locked up areas in our lives; we anaesthetize, we ignore, we justify. But we really are not actually living, are we?
                                                                                                                            

In order to be free from wounds of the past, we have to let the root of our wounds be touched into. For myself, I think of my relationship to God and how many times as a Father, He has touched parts of my heart that were hurting, and almost re-opened the wound. It really hurt at the time; it was like reliving the pain again, but He did it because He was healing it for good. The pain was the indicator of the healing process taking place. I also know that Jesus totally understands. He was crushed, wounded, and beaten, so we could have our healing:

But he was pierced for our transgressions. He was crushed for our iniquities. The punishment that brought our peace was on him; and by his wounds we are healed
Isaiah 53:5

There is obviously a difference between pain without a purpose; the kind of pain that leaves deep, gaping, unhealed wounds, and the kind of pain that ultimately is meant to heal. This pain has a motive of love behind it. I want that. I want to be brave enough to go there in my life, even if it means pain for a moment, but joy that lasts for a lifetime.

"Weeping may endure for a night, but joy comes in the morning."
                                         Psalm 30:5

Why having a good memory is the best gift of all

"God gave us memory so that we might have roses in December"
                                             J.M.Barrie

This post is inspired by a friend of mine, with whom I had an amazing conversation with recently.  We were discussing what it means to hold on to hope and inspiration, when everything in front of you is saying otherwise. I'm sure there are so many that can relate to that season; where your challenging circumstances seem to speak way louder than the hopeful conviction that you started out with.

 I've definitely been there a number of times in my own life. Those dry seasons; those sad seasons; those desperate seasons; what are they there for, and how do we find our joy and hope again in the midst of them? This is where having a good memory is invaluable.

Imagine this for a moment:
 You are climbing a very steep, treacherous mountain. Your hands are burning, your knuckles are bleeding. Your body aches from the strain of exertion. The sun is beating down on you full force and the height that you have climbed to is making you dizzy. You feel disoriented and way more like a worm than a mountain slayer. You can't go back down because you are way too far up now to quit, but you are really not sure if you can make it to the top, and furthermore, you can't even see the top! All you want to do is lay your head against those rough rocks and cry..... give up....... get airlifted out, maybe? Now, imagine that you turn your head away from the mountain you are climbing. You look across the scene that is laid out before you. You see mountain after mountain after mountain that you have already come over! Each one is progressively bigger and more challenging than the last one. You conquered those! You mastered those! You made it to the top! How did you forget that?

Sometimes that's what life is like. We are given some really overwhelming challenges that seem unconquerable, and it is so easy to forget how much we have overcome so far, and how blessed we really are. So many times in my life when I have faced difficult circumstances, it was the remembrance of the obstacles I've overcome that gave me the courage and stamina to keep going.

 I believe we are given challenges in life to grow us, to transform us, and to make us the people God intended for us to be. I think that sometimes our challenges become progressively harder, because we are becoming stronger and need more weight added to build our "muscles" up. To be an overcomer we need thick skin and broad shoulders, and that only comes from climbing those mountains. Think of it as a promotion!

What mountains have you overcome? Have you accessed the gift of memory lately to help remind you of all you have faced and overcome? Take some time today and do that. Remember where you've come from, and let it inspire you to keep climbing the mountain you are on now. I guarantee you will find hope and encouragement in the remembering.

Gloomy January

Do you ever notice how shiny, glittery, and exceptional December can be? I had to shop for groceries on the day before Christmas Eve, and EVERYONE I looked at in that store was SMILING. It was the oddest, loveliest, most bizarre thing. I had prepared myself to go into the mouth of the lion, surrounded by Christmas Eve madness, with people at a frenetic, agitated peak; and instead I got.... pleasant!....... I loved it. People were happy, and positive about the upcoming Christmas celebrations, and the atmosphere felt, well, nice!

 Fast Forward to now. Things aren't quite as shiny. I notice that people are keeping their heads down a lot and just kind of coping. I call that the "post Christmas let-down effect". I have to admit, I was a little reluctant to get back into the swing of things myself; the rest, relaxation, and time with family and friends was really rich. It never fails that January kind of feels a little gloomy. Here in this region, it's pretty cold and harsh as far as weather, and that can get pretty tiring after awhile.

I believe however, that there is a way to find joy and delight in the gloom, though. For years, January and February were my worst months as far as fighting depression was concerned. The lack of sunlight really affected me.

Hopefully some of these tools that helped me, can also give you some energy towards a personal upswing during a tough season:

Get outside. Lots:
No matter what it takes, get outside for a half hour to an hour every day. The walls of  our houses close in real tight around this time of year. It's just too easy to be sedentary, and stay indoors day after day when the wind chill is like, -400. It's actually quite refreshing if you bundle up and get moving. Go sledding, strap on a pair of snowshoes, skate, walk, make Snow Angels, build a snowman. Anything to haul your butt out the door. You need the fresh air. Oh my word, I sound like my mother. Remember when our moms used to kick us outside every single day to play no matter what the weather?? We were allowed to come in to eat, or when our cheeks were permanently damaged from frostbite, and ONLY then??? Ya, well I'm doing that to you now. Bam. 

Talk to Someone:
A lot of people fight the winter blues this time of year. It's really tempting to go into hibernation mode in this season, but that actually has a counter-productive effect. Isolating yourself for too long produces loneliness. Loneliness breeds discouragement. You can convince yourself of a lot of crazy stuff when you have no one to bounce it off of. You may end up really encouraging someone too; which is always a blessing.

Surround Yourself With Positive People:
When you are weak, it's easy to get drawn into the drama and negativity that is around. If you feel like you are in too vulnerable a place to deflect that kind of energy, make sure to get around those who regularly choose to speak life, live positively, and extend grace, and peace. 
You are who you hang out with(another Momism).

Reach Out to Others:
I have to say, this one is the most powerful force in my life. The basic premise is this; you give out of your need, and from that, the joy starts to flow again. I am living proof of that. The one way that you can pull yourself out of a real introspective rut, is to fix your eyes on someone else besides yourself and your circumstances. Don't wait till you have the energy and motivation; it comes as you give. Encouraging others in their own struggles, will bring you great encouragement.

Get Physical:
Olivia Newton-John had it right; exercise helps!!! Oh great.... now I have "Let's Get Physical" stuck in my head......



Let God Give You Peace:
God understands what you are going through, and wants to help. You may not be sure how to approach Him; that doesn't really matter. I'm just myself when I talk to Him. I'm honest, and real, vulnerable and raw. I don't try to be flowery, articulate, or intellectual. And you know what? He listens, answers, and comforts.

Find The Beauty In The Broken:
Sometimes when you are gloomy, it can feel like something is broken. Take some time to see the beauty that is around you in this difficult season. I love how the snow sparkles after it falls; I take pictures of the crystal-like frost on the tree branches; the blue sky is so vivid when the ground is so white. Make sure to include gratitude for the beauty you are seeing; it will transform your heart. Thankfulness can literally turn around a negative perspective. What are you thankful for?  




Finally, if you think that you may be really depressed; make an appointment with your doctor, or a counselor. Sometimes this can be caused by a chemical imbalance that can be corrected through medication. No shame; if you had diabetes, would you take insulin to stay healthy? Then, why the stigma and shame around medication for depression?
A counselor can help you work through underlying issues that might be causing a deeper depression. Wounds from the past, unprocessed trauma, and unforgiveness can cause depression, and a good counselor can help you work through some of these things.



Soon, it will be spring. The flowers will be blooming, the sun will shine again. Until then, don't give up hope, and don't give in to the gloom!
Peace to all.

To all the Mamas

Mama was my greatest teacher, a teacher of compassion, love and fearlessness. If love is sweet as a flower, then my mother is that sweet flower of love.
Stevie Wonder

Hi Mommas.
 I've been thinking about all you mommas out there with young ones a lot lately. Wee little balls of juicy, kissable flesh, and belly laughs that make you want to weep, and sweet, soft sounds as they lay in your arms and look into your eyes with nothing but trust..........
ANNNNND the ability to remain awake into the night hours that make you so weary and bleary-eyed that you think your head could actually explode from fatigue, or the teething symptoms that transform your loveable cherub into a mini gargoyle, or the last roll of toilet paper shoved expertly into the toilet bowl as they happily lick their fingers with the left-over toilet water.

  Mmmmhmmmm; it's a really... Hard.... Job. Let's add the perpetual guilt that we seem to battle with as mothers: Am I raising them right? Will they remember how much I loved them; and not how often I yelled at them? Am I doing OK? Why haven't I lost all my baby weight yet? Am I the only one who needs a break sometimes from these kids?
 My WORD!!! There is a LOT of pressure to preform people!    

I just want you to know that you are doing awesome. I don't care if you have stretch marks, 20 more pounds to go to feel more human, haven't brushed your teeth yet today, or cleaned your toilets in a few weeks. I think you are AH -MAY- ZING. I love watching you hold your babies and gaze at them with love, or when you post a bazillion pictures of them on Facebook because they are SO CUTE(Hello, my name is Jenn, and yes, I am a baby vulture). It makes me so proud to see you trying the best you can with what you've got, and even then some. You are so beautiful right now. You inspire me, and make me proud to be a woman.

It's OK to cry sometimes and admit your weaknesses. I get that; with my first, I had post-partum depression so bad and cried so much and so often, I was dehydrated for a year.
It's also OK to make mistakes; I should know; I actually tossed my new, beautiful, soft, pink daughter, down a whole flight of stairs by accident at a week old. Oh, yes, I did. Ohhh yes.... I did.
You can give yourself grace in this season of life. I realized this after discovering ALL my gorgeous, luscious house-plants were crispy dead after three months into motherhood because I literally could not, COULD...NOT handle nurturing more than one living thing at a time, and I was pretty sure I wanted to keep my newborn alive and me sort of sane.



The greatest revelation God gave me during the early years of mothering was during a, why-do-I-even-go-to-church-if-I'm-just-going-to-chase-my-kid-around-the-whole-time, session. I was feeling that panicky and frustrated feeling like, I was OUTSIDE of the congregation, OUTSIDE of whatever supernatural amazingness was happening, and that I was going to miss it, and fail as a Christian. Or even worse, miss what God had for me. It was then, that I felt the Lord lovingly say that His arms could reach a lot farther than any congregation and any supernatural happening. That He could find me in my home, while I was rocking my baby to sleep, and impart the very same anointing and presence on me that he was to all the others folks seated peacefully in the sanctuary. That He, was gentle with those with young and lovingly visits us where we are at. You may be outside your norm; outside of your comfort zone, and may even be grieving the loss of your old life, but you are NEVER, EVER outside the embrace of God's arms.



Isaiah 40:11
He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; he gently leads those that have young.

I'm really REALLY proud of you and I'm cheering you on. Go Mommas Go!!!!

Love,

Jenn

Anniversary

So, my smoking hot husband and I will be married for 16 years on August 23rd. Now, I know that when I brag about that to the long-timers; the ones who have been at it for like, 30, 40, 50 years, they kind of smirk at me with that knowing look........ like I have no idea what I'm even talking about and that 16 years is like a blink of the eye compared to the amount of time they've spent lolling around in wedded bliss. But for Pete's sake; nowadays 16 years is like, a monumental amount of time considering the divorce rate. I've also never spent this amount of time with the same person voluntarily, day after day, week after week, month after month. Seriously. 

 We had NO IDEA what we were getting into when we first got engaged. I was 20, he was 23. He had just been hired as youth pastor, and I was, well, just out of diapers. He didn't know that I turned into a sort of Gollum if he tried to eat my potato chips(like I needed them), or that I hogged the blankets with a superhuman strength that would frighten your pants off, or that I really didn't know how to cook; more just burn things nicely. I didn't know he loved to play practical jokes(NOT funny buddy!), LOVED action movies with a passion(barf), and would watch so much hockey that his retinas should have shrivelled up by now. 

 

I also didn't know how lovely it would feel to be in a room full of strangers, and without looking, know that he was there somewhere in that room and that he had my back. Or how strong his shoulders would feel as I faced loss, depression, loneliness, and contractions that would make you want to poke your eyeballs out. I never knew that there is such thing as long, comfortable silences with someone, or that you can actually look someone in the eyes and know what they are thinking just with a glance. I didn't know that saying yes, when we want to say no, would grow us from the inside out, and make us more beautiful people. I also didn't realize that when it feels like there doesn't seem to be a hopeful tomorrow, all I have to do is turn away from the hopelessness, look in the eyes of Jesus, and see a million more tomorrows. True story.

 

I love you husband. You are my favourite; even when you won't let me hold the remote.

Lessons of life from an 89 year old.

I am reposting this blog in honor of my dear Grandfather, who passed away on Easter morning April 20, 2014. He lived a long, good, humble life full of love, humility, laughter, and surrounded by the people he loved. Everywhere he went, people enjoyed his wit, friendliness, and kindness. For such a simple life; he still managed to profoundly influence everyone around him. Farewell Grandpa; I'll be seeing you in all the old, familiar places..........

My grandfather turned 89 this month. It's hard for me to believe he is one year away from being 90 years old. He is a tall, handsome man with a twinkle in his eye.  I've always felt proud that this man was my Grandpa. Lately, he has had some physical challenges that have left him more vulnerable than before. I find myself wanting to protect, and cover him. I think about him every day and pray for him even more. As the years go by, I feel like my sense of connection to him grows stronger.

He was a carpenter. He built my mother's first home that I had my first birthday in, and built the home he still lives in. When I had my first home built, he came and inspected it and was most interested and delighted in the furnace and hot water tank. Those same hands that built good, sturdy homes, also played the most beautiful music. He is a guitar player and I loved hearing him play. When my Grandmother was alive, she would sing along to his playing and I would soak it all up, my heart just getting bigger and bigger from the sweetness of it all. He has always kept things simple; having lived through the depression gave him a unique perspective on what is really important. He is extremely generous. Every time my kids and I visit him, he is reaching in his pocket to give my kids a "little something". If I protest, his rebuttal is, "What am I going to spend it on?"

I love talking with him about his past. His childhood was vastly different than mine. We grew up in completely different worlds; yet, he relates so well to such a broad range of people. He has shared stories with me of his life during the depression; the war; riding the streetcars in Edmonton, and having his milk delivered to his house every morning in glass bottles.

The most compelling hope I have for him in these twilight years of his life, is that those that do not know him like I do, would treat him with the same love and value that I feel for him. He is so precious to so many; I want him treated accordingly. I would like for him to feel as if, even though he is older and more frail, his value does not change in anyone's eyes. He may not have lead nations, written a world changing novel, or produced a blockbuster movie, but he did teach me compassion, generosity, acceptance of others, and faithfulness in marriage. These values are priceless, and will be passed down for generations. To me, that is a far greater legacy to leave behind and he should be honoured for it.

Now, when I am around the elderly, vulnerable and destitute, I think about my Grandpa and how I love him and wish for him to be treated. My touch is softer, and my attention towards their heart's cry is increased. Whether it's with the homeless of Barquisimeto, Venezuela, or the troubled youth in my own city, I see them through a different set of eyes now.

My wish would be that we would all treat one another like this. That we would remember that the people we are encountering on our everyday journey of life are someone's mother; brother; sister; grandfather. That they are loved dearly and deeply by someone. That they have a destiny, despite what their outward appearance may reflect.



Thank you so much for teaching me this, Grandpa. I love you.

The history of our grandparents is remembered not with rose petals but in the laughter and tears of their children and their children's children.  It is into us that the lives of grandparents have gone.  It is in us that their history becomes a future.  ~Charles and Ann Morse

Wearing Vulnerability

As I get older, I find that what I admire and value has changed. There was a time when I would not even think about exposing my weaknesses to anyone, as that might mean risking looking bad, incapable, or even appearing as a failure. As I age, I see life through a different lens. The challenges of life have humbled me, stretched me, and showed me that I'm not an island, nor will I ever be the picture of perfection to anyone. In fact, I would argue that those who choose to be vulnerable and transparent to those they love and trust, end up being the far more admirable, courageous, and strong ones.

 When my precious friends sit with me and share their deepest secrets, innermost sorrows, and hidden fragile pieces, my instant reaction is deep compassion, and fierce pride. Pride for the courage it takes to be real; when it could mean rejection. Pride for choosing the path less traveled, and great compassion for the pain they are working through. It takes my breath away; the beauty that I see in the raw vulnerability of a human being. The underbelly of a person that society would choose to turn their backs on is, in fact, a gift to humankind. It reminds us that we are all flawed, broken, and on a great transformative journey. It beckons us to walk this magnificent road together.

 Sometimes, I'm the one one that needs compassion and covering. If I have looked down on someone's vulnerable moments and sneered at their weaknesses, I can only expect the same in return. How I treat the least of these in my life, shows who I really am deep down inside. So, I must clothe myself in vulnerability. I must wear it like a crown; like the masterpiece that it is. It draws out the best in the people around me, keeps my heart soft, and makes me the woman I really want to be.

Thank you, to all the powerful people out there who have mentored this in me through choosing to welcome me into your vulnerable moments. By doing that, you have given me a gift far greater than money could ever buy.

Lonely

lone·ly  (lnl)

a. Dejected by the awareness of being alone. 












I asked my daughter the other day what her definition of loneliness was and she said, "When you look at other kids and you think," I wish I had someone to play with.""

I find it interesting that most people's definition of loneliness would be similar to my daughter's: Wishing for genuine and fulfilling companionship and the awareness that you don't have it. It's a strange thing to feel when we live in a culture like ours where, we could literally be surrounded by people constantly if we wanted to, yet still feel alone. 

When I reflect on my lonely moments; for me, it's an undefined longing or ache that I feel. Like an emptiness that is not being filled. It can visit me when I am home alone, or when I'm in a room full of people I know. It's pretty hard to ignore. It's like an uninvited guest.

Trying to address loneliness is a whole other ball game. I find it takes a lot of self control to not have a knee jerk reaction and try to anesthetize it quickly so as not to feel the pain of it. Generally, throwing on a TV show to create some noise, eating junk food to get that feel-good rush, or expecting my loved ones to fix it, tends to exacerbate the feeling even more. 



I'm trying to ask myself some good, hard questions when loneliness visits:

Why am I feeling this right now; what triggered this?
I'm discovering that it's often little things that trigger loneliness for me: Not seeing eye to eye with my husband; failing at something that I expect to be better at; not getting the recognition I wish for. To me those are indicators that my identity has been misplaced; that I've tried to define who I am by things that are shallow and fleeting, and were never meant to bring me long term satisfaction. 
 When I ask myself why these moments trigger feelings of loneliness, it helps me to recognize my unbalanced attachment to them.

Are my expectations greater than my realities?
One of my favourite sayings is, " The distance between expectation and reality is disappointment". It is one of my life mantras and I quote it to anyone who will listen. How many times has my over-inflated expectations of a person or situation resulted in disappointment? Too many. It leads to loneliness because my unrealistic expectations are difficult to live up to, and this creates a separation between us.

Who\what do I expect to fill this void with? 
More and more I am aware of the fact that I am more than just mind and body. I am spirit as well. I think it's fair to say that mostly the former two are given my attention during the course of a busy day. But the spirit is what we are really made of. The spirit is what gives us life. And the source of that spirit is God. He is the one who made us with that "vacuum"; in order to fill it with His life-giving presence, and His presence alone. His companionship touches a place in our lives that only His can. The unsatisfied becomes quenched when we acknowledge our need for His presence and inclusion in our moments. Nothing fills a lonely void like a God that loves unconditionally, without judgement or reserve, and who knows us better than anyone on this earth ever could or will. 




If you are one who battles with loneliness; you are not alone. I do too. Some days more than others. Take comfort in this:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest". Matthew 11:28

Why sometimes Plan B makes a better Plan A

In the 1980s, a terrible famine hit Ethiopia. The pictures from those awful times were devastating to see. I still distinctly remember as a child seeing the first commercial highlighting the devastation and the indelible impression it left on me. That night as images of emaciated, desperate little Ethiopian children burned in my mind, I laid in my bed and wept and prayed. I was only a child, but I was resolutely determined to help the Africans in their plight. I knew someday I would be there helping those children. I simply needed to find a way to get there. I decided the best way to do that was to become a nurse in order to create a way into Africa and help the people practically. I figured any African country would be happy to welcome a qualified, compassionate nurse like myself across their borders, and I was pretty sure someday I would go down in history books as a modern day Florence Nightingale.

 My greatest challenge in school by far was math. I'm not talking about occasionally needing a little extra homework to catch up; math was another language that I simply never understood. It utterly baffled me. Some days I wondered if the math part of my brain was on a permanent vacation; never to be found again. It discouraged me that I could be so gifted and strong in some areas of my life, and be such a complete failure in another area. Simply put; math made me feel like a dummy. How was I supposed to become God's gift to Africa if I couldn't even balance equations? It was downright frustrating.    

I carried the passion for nursing into my high school years. By then, it was obvious that I would either need a brain transplant or a miracle to pull off the grades in math needed to get into the nursing program at the university of my choice. Interestingly enough though, I was thriving in the arts. I had been singing since I was four years old, and had enjoyed plenty of musical experiences and training over the years. In fact, it was music that usually helped balance out my GPA when math was dragging it down. Little did I know that the picture of this hidden strength pulling me up, when my weakness was pulling me down, would become one of my life anthems.

I eventually was accepted into the BSC Nursing program at the university; but really only squeaked in because my math marks had pulled my average down. Once again, strong in every other subject but so weak in math. I met with the director of the nursing program with great trepidation. Her advice was that nursing would be an incredibly challenging program for me due to my weakness in math, and that my best choice would be to take that awful Math 30 class over again (for the THIRD time!) until I had really grasped it before coming into the nursing program. It was in the middle of that interview that I had a major epiphany: I wanted to be a nurse because I wanted to get to Africa. What I was good at, and what I was the most passionate about though, was music. All my powerful connections with people happened when I was sharing my gift of music, NOT MATH!!! It was such a light bulb moment! I was going after my dream of serving in Africa completely the WRONG WAY! I withdrew my application right then and there in the interview, crossed the street to another college and applied for the music program! You can imagine my mother's surprise when I came home to announce that I was now a registered college student in the music program; NOT in nursing!

It was years later(eight to be exact), that my dream of caring for the orphans of Africa was finally realized. I had the honor of moving to Kampala, Uganda, East Africa with my husband and two young children. It wasn't as a nurse either; it was as a music teacher. I had the privilege of teaching a group of 18 orphans in singing and dancing and taking them on a six month tour across England, USA, and a part of Canada as the Watoto Children's Choir. These children proudly raised support for their peers back at home and awareness about the great plight that AIDS had created in their nation. Hope was their song and they sang it proudly. They were a people that were overcoming with their sound and rebuilding their nation with every note that they enthusiastically belted out.

To this day I am amazed that I got to be a part of that life changing time. My greatest weakness; math, became a thing of the past as I used my strength; music, to serve the people of Uganda. I couldn't have done what I did without it. I learned so much from that time. Especially that sometimes our plans are not always the best, and that God can use our weaknesses to keep us humble and compassionate, and our hidden strengths to make beautiful music.



Sometimes Plan B really does make a better Plan A.

http://www.watoto.com/home

Finding Beauty

“The power of finding beauty in the humblest things makes home happy and life lovely.”   
― Louisa May Alcott





I took the picture up above of the feather one day while on a walk with my son. It struck me as lovely somehow; a soft feather on the dry, cracked ground. It was like it was sitting there as a gift undiscovered. A reminder that in the hard, cracked seasons of our life, there is still beauty to be found and nurtured. I remember thinking how easy it would have been to walk past it without even noticing it. 

 I'm very much a cerebral person. I spend a lot of time in my head bouncing thoughts and ideas around, and sometimes just get lost up there. The problem with being a thinker is that it is easy to miss out on the world around me. In my pursuit for answers, I sometimes miss the beauty and refreshment of the simple things in life because I'm indulging in the complex in my brain.

I'm learning to breathe, to pause, and to open my eyes and heart to what is in front of my face --- take in what is around me. Sometimes my head aches from the over thinking I do, or my heart hurts from the burdens of life. That's when I need to stop and be nourished by the astonishing beauty of the simple. It's everywhere. In my daughter's smile. In the sun reflecting off the snow. In the eyes of the one I love. This beauty silences the worries and refocuses the heart on what is truly important. It is a gift from God. A reminder that He has not forgotten us, nor has He forsaken us.


May your eyes be opened to the simple, beautiful gifts around you and may your heart be made full because of it.

Building A Better Community

 This Christmas I invited a large group of people to go  carolling with me for the first time since I was a young adult. I used to go often as a child from door to door in my own neighbourhood. I remember how welcoming my neighbours were, and how they would have Christmas treats waiting at the door for us carollers. It was a wonderful time to connect with neighbours and bring some Christmas cheer through music. I loved it. It gave me such a strong sense of community identity.

 This year was so different! Many people in my own neighbourhood wouldn't come out of their homes and even seemed frightened to open their doors to us. Some would look out the window at us waiting to sing for them, shut out the lights and walk away! Some happily opened their doors and even thanked us for the lovely music but the majority did not. 

 To be honest, at first I was a bit discouraged. I wondered why people would be so cold and reject an obvious gift. After some contemplation though; I realised there might be more to it than meets the eye.


 I believe the underlying issue is a general lack of trust. My age group is faced with the challenges of needing to raise our children to be stranger aware, avoid cyber-bullying, be self-reliant and avoid being taken advantage of, amongst a myriad of other challenges. The task can be quite daunting! These issues are all very important to address. Our children need to be safe and proactive, yet, we can actually swing to the opposite extreme and become distrusting and even fearful. I believe this can lead to a general isolation and alienation from our communities. 

I sense this issue of mistrust has to be addressed on a personal level before it can be solved on a community level. The question I had to ask myself was, "Do I really trust the people around me?" and if I don't,"why not?". I was surprised to discover that deep down inside, I still don't let people in past a certain point. In a sense, it is a learned behaviour. It is a perceived way of staying safe. I also think there is a part of me that perceives that perhaps people don't want to come any closer to me.

The bottom line is; we need each other. The people you are surrounded by, are there for a reason. Even the ones that we don't relate to as easily, or rub us the wrong way. Those are the ones in some ways, that teach us the most about what is really going on inside of us. When we don't let these people around us in, I think we are tragically missing out on the incredible opportunity of growing as a people together. Practising better community means letting people in. Seeing the good, the bad, and the ugly. All of it I believe, fosters trust.

Make a point this next week or so, to choose to let someone in to your life a little more than you ever have. Try to foster community by trusting just a little more than you ever have. I believe you will be surprised at the many benefits it will produce!

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

When fear chokes out our song

In a previous post I talked about fear and the need to overcome it by facing it. Fear can rob us of our voice; of our song. I believe everyone on this earth has a song. I think some have been robbed of their real song because of fear. I have battled with fear and intimidation for most of my life. It is only recently that I could say with confidence that I am no longer a fearful person who is controlled by that adversary.

 A few years ago, I realised I had had the same recurring dream for years: I had wads and wads of gum in my mouth, and no matter how much of it I pulled out, I couldn't clear my mouth of it. I was choking on it, and there was no way of getting it all out. After doing some extensive soul searching and praying, I discovered the dream originated in early elementary school. I had a harsh teacher who was cruel, and I was afraid of her. In that same year, I developed sleeping issues and this recurring dream. Into my adult years this dream would follow me. Whenever I was feeling intimidated about something, I would have the dream. I finally realised the dream represented my feelings of helplessness, and not having a VOICE. Back when I was a child, I had made the decision in my head  that I did not have a voice to defend myself. To protect myself, I developed a truth that said: "Don't show too much of your heart or voice; it could be taken away." The problem with that truth was, IT WAS A LIE! I DID have a voice. I could have used it, but fear was the louder voice and I allowed it to become my captor. I was enslaved.

  Years later, I would approach my pastor and seek his advice. As a singer, whenever I would start to really sing out with boldness and let my heart show, a sudden panic would set in. I would hit a wall, and I would  just back down. It was like I was choked. My very wise pastor responded that he too, had battled with fear and that I would overcome it by refusing to BACK DOWN. I hadn't even told him outright that I was afraid, but he knew the signs of someone being bullied by fear.

 My experience with my teacher was real. This teacher had hurt me. Because of that, I had developed my own truths about how to protect myself from then on. The only trouble was, the guard that protected my heart----- was fear. Fear is a LIAR. Fear will keep you in a prison for the rest of your life and rob you of your voice. I had to face fear, and tell it I would no longer cower in its presence. I had to address the lie that said I didn't have a voice. I had to embrace a new truth which was: I have a voice. I have a song. It needs to be heard. It must be sung. 

Facing fear is, well, scary! Just remember though, when an army is about to take over enemy ground on the battlefield, the enemy will rise up and fight back because they do not want to give up any ground. In this case, when you chose to overcome fear, it WILL rear its ugly head and try to force you to surrender. Don't! On just the other side is FREEDOM.





You have a song to sing, and we need to hear it. It heals hearts; and gives others latitude in their own lives. Never, ever back down and go after your freedom!

Marriage Matters

Do you remember that beautiful poem about relationships?

Don't walk behind me; I may not lead.

Don't walk in front of me; I may not follow. 

Just walk beside me and be my friend.
Albert Camus

There are times in my marriage that this very romantic poem was pretty much the opposite of where we were at. It probably SHOULD have been written like this:


Don't walk behind me, cause I'm scared you'll give me a wedgie.
Don't walk in front of me; I'll just kick you in the butt.
Just walk beside me; so I can punch you in the eye.
Jenn Banas


 All joking aside, we really have had days where our marriage looked more like a battleground than a setting for a romantic poem. If you have been married for more than 24 hours, you can probably relate. Marriage is HARD WORK!!

Here are some principles that we have learnt and that we steadfastly stick to that help us stay faithful to our promise to one another. I hope they help you too:

1. Unspoken expectations equal disappointment:
We are not a mind reading species. So many times I've had an expectation in my head about our relationship that I assumed would  just be so obvious to my hubby. NOT!! Girl brains and boy brains are TOTALLY DIFFERENT! They come from different planets. They are made of different stuff. Never assume; always clearly articulate what you expect. It may seem like a romance killer to always say what you want and need but it truly paves the way for open, honest communication. 

2. Forgive, forgive, forgive:
Once unforgiveness seeps in, hatred quickly follows. It is a MARRIAGE KILLER. How many times should you forgive? As many times as you would wish to be forgiven. Remember: forgiveness is sexy.

3. Don't give up:
Tenaciously, stubbornly, faithfully stick to that promise you made to your partner the day you said , "I do". Promises still matter. We need to stick to our promises because those are the foundations of our marriages. Better marriages make better families; better families make better communities.

4. Say," I love you":
Especially when you don't feel like it. Because love isn't about feelings; it's about choosing. Say it with your words. Say it with your actions. Choose it in your heart. 

Your marriage can be your greatest accomplishment; the finest piece of artwork that fill your homes. 

It can be the most beautiful symphony that is sung into your children's hearts 

and therefore will shape generations to come.

 May you have peace in your homes, and love in your hearts.

Facing Fear

The image above is one my husband took when living out his dream of diving with the Great White Sharks off the coast of South Africa. Even though he was totally thrilled by the whole experience, one thing he was surprised by was his fear. Looking into the eyes of those obvious predators gave him the chills. He said it was the first time in his life he knew he could be easily destroyed in an instant. He chose to dive in anyway.  It's one of the things I admire most about him. He has never backed down from fear, and will never let it rule him.
 My friend gave me a great acronym for fear:

False
Evidence                                                                                   
Appearing
Real

Now, in the case of the Great White Shark firing his evil glare at my hubby, the danger was pretty real. However, there were many safety mechanisms put in place to keep him from harm, and he chose to trust those.
So many times I've listened to the voice of fear and simply backed down--- even cowered in the presence of that false evidence. It's so demoralizing.

 Writing this blog is part of my decision to intentionally live a life that looks fear in the eyes and says, " I will not be a slave to you, nor will I let you be the loudest and most convincing voice in my life".

  Cheers,
Jenn