Lonely

lone·ly  (lnl)

a. Dejected by the awareness of being alone. 












I asked my daughter the other day what her definition of loneliness was and she said, "When you look at other kids and you think," I wish I had someone to play with.""

I find it interesting that most people's definition of loneliness would be similar to my daughter's: Wishing for genuine and fulfilling companionship and the awareness that you don't have it. It's a strange thing to feel when we live in a culture like ours where, we could literally be surrounded by people constantly if we wanted to, yet still feel alone. 

When I reflect on my lonely moments; for me, it's an undefined longing or ache that I feel. Like an emptiness that is not being filled. It can visit me when I am home alone, or when I'm in a room full of people I know. It's pretty hard to ignore. It's like an uninvited guest.

Trying to address loneliness is a whole other ball game. I find it takes a lot of self control to not have a knee jerk reaction and try to anesthetize it quickly so as not to feel the pain of it. Generally, throwing on a TV show to create some noise, eating junk food to get that feel-good rush, or expecting my loved ones to fix it, tends to exacerbate the feeling even more. 



I'm trying to ask myself some good, hard questions when loneliness visits:

Why am I feeling this right now; what triggered this?
I'm discovering that it's often little things that trigger loneliness for me: Not seeing eye to eye with my husband; failing at something that I expect to be better at; not getting the recognition I wish for. To me those are indicators that my identity has been misplaced; that I've tried to define who I am by things that are shallow and fleeting, and were never meant to bring me long term satisfaction. 
 When I ask myself why these moments trigger feelings of loneliness, it helps me to recognize my unbalanced attachment to them.

Are my expectations greater than my realities?
One of my favourite sayings is, " The distance between expectation and reality is disappointment". It is one of my life mantras and I quote it to anyone who will listen. How many times has my over-inflated expectations of a person or situation resulted in disappointment? Too many. It leads to loneliness because my unrealistic expectations are difficult to live up to, and this creates a separation between us.

Who\what do I expect to fill this void with? 
More and more I am aware of the fact that I am more than just mind and body. I am spirit as well. I think it's fair to say that mostly the former two are given my attention during the course of a busy day. But the spirit is what we are really made of. The spirit is what gives us life. And the source of that spirit is God. He is the one who made us with that "vacuum"; in order to fill it with His life-giving presence, and His presence alone. His companionship touches a place in our lives that only His can. The unsatisfied becomes quenched when we acknowledge our need for His presence and inclusion in our moments. Nothing fills a lonely void like a God that loves unconditionally, without judgement or reserve, and who knows us better than anyone on this earth ever could or will. 




If you are one who battles with loneliness; you are not alone. I do too. Some days more than others. Take comfort in this:
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest". Matthew 11:28

Why sometimes Plan B makes a better Plan A

In the 1980s, a terrible famine hit Ethiopia. The pictures from those awful times were devastating to see. I still distinctly remember as a child seeing the first commercial highlighting the devastation and the indelible impression it left on me. That night as images of emaciated, desperate little Ethiopian children burned in my mind, I laid in my bed and wept and prayed. I was only a child, but I was resolutely determined to help the Africans in their plight. I knew someday I would be there helping those children. I simply needed to find a way to get there. I decided the best way to do that was to become a nurse in order to create a way into Africa and help the people practically. I figured any African country would be happy to welcome a qualified, compassionate nurse like myself across their borders, and I was pretty sure someday I would go down in history books as a modern day Florence Nightingale.

 My greatest challenge in school by far was math. I'm not talking about occasionally needing a little extra homework to catch up; math was another language that I simply never understood. It utterly baffled me. Some days I wondered if the math part of my brain was on a permanent vacation; never to be found again. It discouraged me that I could be so gifted and strong in some areas of my life, and be such a complete failure in another area. Simply put; math made me feel like a dummy. How was I supposed to become God's gift to Africa if I couldn't even balance equations? It was downright frustrating.    

I carried the passion for nursing into my high school years. By then, it was obvious that I would either need a brain transplant or a miracle to pull off the grades in math needed to get into the nursing program at the university of my choice. Interestingly enough though, I was thriving in the arts. I had been singing since I was four years old, and had enjoyed plenty of musical experiences and training over the years. In fact, it was music that usually helped balance out my GPA when math was dragging it down. Little did I know that the picture of this hidden strength pulling me up, when my weakness was pulling me down, would become one of my life anthems.

I eventually was accepted into the BSC Nursing program at the university; but really only squeaked in because my math marks had pulled my average down. Once again, strong in every other subject but so weak in math. I met with the director of the nursing program with great trepidation. Her advice was that nursing would be an incredibly challenging program for me due to my weakness in math, and that my best choice would be to take that awful Math 30 class over again (for the THIRD time!) until I had really grasped it before coming into the nursing program. It was in the middle of that interview that I had a major epiphany: I wanted to be a nurse because I wanted to get to Africa. What I was good at, and what I was the most passionate about though, was music. All my powerful connections with people happened when I was sharing my gift of music, NOT MATH!!! It was such a light bulb moment! I was going after my dream of serving in Africa completely the WRONG WAY! I withdrew my application right then and there in the interview, crossed the street to another college and applied for the music program! You can imagine my mother's surprise when I came home to announce that I was now a registered college student in the music program; NOT in nursing!

It was years later(eight to be exact), that my dream of caring for the orphans of Africa was finally realized. I had the honor of moving to Kampala, Uganda, East Africa with my husband and two young children. It wasn't as a nurse either; it was as a music teacher. I had the privilege of teaching a group of 18 orphans in singing and dancing and taking them on a six month tour across England, USA, and a part of Canada as the Watoto Children's Choir. These children proudly raised support for their peers back at home and awareness about the great plight that AIDS had created in their nation. Hope was their song and they sang it proudly. They were a people that were overcoming with their sound and rebuilding their nation with every note that they enthusiastically belted out.

To this day I am amazed that I got to be a part of that life changing time. My greatest weakness; math, became a thing of the past as I used my strength; music, to serve the people of Uganda. I couldn't have done what I did without it. I learned so much from that time. Especially that sometimes our plans are not always the best, and that God can use our weaknesses to keep us humble and compassionate, and our hidden strengths to make beautiful music.



Sometimes Plan B really does make a better Plan A.

http://www.watoto.com/home

Finding Beauty

“The power of finding beauty in the humblest things makes home happy and life lovely.”   
― Louisa May Alcott





I took the picture up above of the feather one day while on a walk with my son. It struck me as lovely somehow; a soft feather on the dry, cracked ground. It was like it was sitting there as a gift undiscovered. A reminder that in the hard, cracked seasons of our life, there is still beauty to be found and nurtured. I remember thinking how easy it would have been to walk past it without even noticing it. 

 I'm very much a cerebral person. I spend a lot of time in my head bouncing thoughts and ideas around, and sometimes just get lost up there. The problem with being a thinker is that it is easy to miss out on the world around me. In my pursuit for answers, I sometimes miss the beauty and refreshment of the simple things in life because I'm indulging in the complex in my brain.

I'm learning to breathe, to pause, and to open my eyes and heart to what is in front of my face --- take in what is around me. Sometimes my head aches from the over thinking I do, or my heart hurts from the burdens of life. That's when I need to stop and be nourished by the astonishing beauty of the simple. It's everywhere. In my daughter's smile. In the sun reflecting off the snow. In the eyes of the one I love. This beauty silences the worries and refocuses the heart on what is truly important. It is a gift from God. A reminder that He has not forgotten us, nor has He forsaken us.


May your eyes be opened to the simple, beautiful gifts around you and may your heart be made full because of it.